Blog Post 17: Revised QRG Paragraph

ORIGINAL:
In questioning the analysis of one’s mental state, we must also consider the implications of our actions. Ghandi says, “an eye for an eye will make the world go blind.” Thus, when the death sentence is carried out we are essentially hypocritically stripping the world of an opportunity of healing while simultaneously torturing and abusing the rights and sentience of individuals. Wayne Goodwyn of NPR depicts a botched lethal injection in Ohio through intense emotional imagery in order to convey the immorality of the death penalty to his readers. ‘"Suddenly he opened his mouth," Kiefer says. "His mouth sort of made this funny round shape, and you could see this expulsion of air, and we all jumped. This was something different."...The executioner eventually came out, turned on the death chamber microphone, and tried to reassure everyone that Wood was asleep, and it was OK. But Kiefer says the sounds emanating from the condemned man that were suddenly brutally audible behind the executioner's voice only added another layer to everyone's distress. An hour passed.’ Hence, the death penalty undermines morality in that it ends the lives of those who cannot help their actions. Even if a mental illness is not diagnosed, the human brain is programmed to defend itself when it feels under attack. Any dramatic shift in neurotransmitters will result in a mood change that often results in dangerous action. The bottom line is, most criminals are not themselves in the moment that they are committing a crime; yet, the death penalty literally ends the individual of their right to life and the potential of health.

REVISED: 

In questioning the analysis of one’s mental state, we must also consider the implications of our actions. Ghandi says, “an eye for an eye will make the world go blind.” Thus, when the death sentence is carried out we are hypocritically stripping the world of an opportunity for healing, while simultaneously torturing and abusing the rights and sentience of individuals. Wayne Goodwyn of NPR depicts a botched lethal injection, taking place in Ohio, through intense emotional imagery to convey the trauma of the death penalty to his readers. ‘"Suddenly he opened his mouth," Kiefer says. "His mouth sort of made this funny round shape, and you could see this expulsion of air, and we all jumped. This was something different."...The executioner eventually came out, turned on the death chamber microphone, and tried to reassure everyone that Wood was asleep, and it was OK. But Kiefer says the sounds emanating from the condemned man that were suddenly brutally audible behind the executioner's voice only added another layer to everyone's distress. An hour passed.’ Hence, the death penalty undermines morality in that it ends the lives of those who cannot help their actions. Even if a mental illness is not diagnosed, the human brain is programmed to defend itself when it feels under attack. Any dramatic shift in neurotransmitters will result in a mood change that often results in dangerous action. Overall, most criminals are not themselves in the moment they are committing a crime; yet, the death penalty ends their individual right to life and potential of regaining health.

**** I removed a lot of unnecessary filler words in order to make my writing more concise. I also fixed a few verbs so that they were in the active voice, and changed some vocab words so that my sentences flowed better.