I am unable to post comments on the actual rough draft so I will try my best to critique through the blog. The formatting of your paper is unique. It seems to imitate Brumberg's essay which I am not sure if that is appropriate or not, but either way, the formatting with the images do compel me to continue reading. Later in the paper, you started to go into the techniques that promote the message of universal acceptance. This somewhat strays from the idea of breaking down stereotypes that you bring up in the thesis. You do mention compassion in the second half of your analysis, but should maybe directly connect this to how Stanton is breaking down stereotypes maybe by possibly incorporating that word once inside those paragraphs. I feel that the restated thesis in the conclusion captures the true essence of your paper. Some of your word choice can also be slightly adjusted so that it better captures what you are trying to say. One case is when you used "strategy-savvy" which is a rather broad term. It makes me wonder "What kind of strategy? Taking memorable photos or camera angle?" I enjoyed reading your essay. I am sure with some adjustments, it will shine.
Your essay had some good analysis. I would agree that you strayed from your thesis in your essay a little, so I think you should adjust your wording in your paragraphs to better incorporate your thesis. I also thought some of your sentences were a little wordy and confusing, so if you reword some of them I think your essay will be much stronger. However, great essay!
I thought it was an alright essay, but I did notice somethings. First, as the others have pointed out, your paper doesn't relate back to the thesis that much. I would suggest that you redo the thesis, so that it is more inclusive. Second, you have an incorrect usage of sanction in the first paragraph second sentence, to sanction meaning to give official approval/permission. Third, be sure to cite your quotes by giving the dates they were posted, and a works cited page wouldn't hurt that much either. fourth, I noticed a lot of and's in the paper that have commas in front of them that shouldn't be there. Commas are used in front of conjunctions that are marking a new clause. fifth, the usage of metaphor in the second paragraph is, I believe, a poor choice. Metaphors are used to compare two unlike things, so perhaps some form of the word example would be better there. Last, I believe that companionship is the better form of the word in the last sentence. Also, the first paragraph has an indent, be sure to be consistent with indents and spaces (one or the other).
I am unable to post comments on the actual rough draft so I will try my best to critique through the blog. The formatting of your paper is unique. It seems to imitate Brumberg's essay which I am not sure if that is appropriate or not, but either way, the formatting with the images do compel me to continue reading. Later in the paper, you started to go into the techniques that promote the message of universal acceptance. This somewhat strays from the idea of breaking down stereotypes that you bring up in the thesis. You do mention compassion in the second half of your analysis, but should maybe directly connect this to how Stanton is breaking down stereotypes maybe by possibly incorporating that word once inside those paragraphs. I feel that the restated thesis in the conclusion captures the true essence of your paper. Some of your word choice can also be slightly adjusted so that it better captures what you are trying to say. One case is when you used "strategy-savvy" which is a rather broad term. It makes me wonder "What kind of strategy? Taking memorable photos or camera angle?" I enjoyed reading your essay. I am sure with some adjustments, it will shine.
ReplyDeleteYour essay had some good analysis. I would agree that you strayed from your thesis in your essay a little, so I think you should adjust your wording in your paragraphs to better incorporate your thesis. I also thought some of your sentences were a little wordy and confusing, so if you reword some of them I think your essay will be much stronger. However, great essay!
ReplyDeleteI thought it was an alright essay, but I did notice somethings. First, as the others have pointed out, your paper doesn't relate back to the thesis that much. I would suggest that you redo the thesis, so that it is more inclusive. Second, you have an incorrect usage of sanction in the first paragraph second sentence, to sanction meaning to give official approval/permission. Third, be sure to cite your quotes by giving the dates they were posted, and a works cited page wouldn't hurt that much either. fourth, I noticed a lot of and's in the paper that have commas in front of them that shouldn't be there. Commas are used in front of conjunctions that are marking a new clause. fifth, the usage of metaphor in the second paragraph is, I believe, a poor choice. Metaphors are used to compare two unlike things, so perhaps some form of the word example would be better there. Last, I believe that companionship is the better form of the word in the last sentence. Also, the first paragraph has an indent, be sure to be consistent with indents and spaces (one or the other).
ReplyDelete